How I Plan to Get Famous In A Week

As I inch closer to my thirtieth birthday I become more and more concerned that I'm not famous. Luckily I'm an astute student of pop culture and I've come up with, what I feel, is a fool proof plan to get famous in a week's time.

Sunday-I will become involved in a celebrity burglary ring that robs stars' houses. The hook-we robbers are totally nude-I'm talking completely starkers. Shockingly-and totally not on purpose- I will get caught taking a fistful of Rachel Bilson's vintage jewelry from her dresser. Luckily I have a full face of make-up on and my mug shot is totally hot.

Monday- I'll appear on the morning shows to tell my side of the story. Turns out I fell into a bad crowd and was forced to participate in the burglary ring at gunpoint. (Did I mention those jerks also planted cocaine on me-yes I realize I was naked-don't make me say where they put it). I'm so repentant that I offer to sell my virginity at the Bunny Ranch with all the proceeds going to Darfur, thus making me the Mother Theresa of legalized prostitution. Touched by my gesture America forgives me, and the charges are dropped. In fact I'm so witty and charming in my TV interviews (read obnoxious and full of sound bites), I get a development deal at E! (I also conveniently forget about that promise to sell my virge in Reno)

Tuesday-I start dating Jake Gyllenhal/Chris Pine/ or some other hot buzzworthy actor. It really depends on who's at the same club as me on Monday night. Mind you, when I say dating I mean my publicist (i.e. me talking in a funny accent, and calling myself Marie Trundelhorn) will call Harvey Levin at TMZ and announce we're 'just friends and we want to be left alone'. Then I'll creep around the actor in question's front yard looking artfully disheveled as if I'd been recently sexed. Photographs will be taken ---some by a friend of mine hiding in the bushes---and sent to Radar online.

Wednesday- We begin writing my reality show for E! The writers decide I need to  have a sassy gay personal assistant, a jealous BFF, and a nemesis who was involved in an international diamond smuggling ring. In the afternoon I'll go on Leno and tell him in spite of everything I'm still the same small town Ohio girl I was before.

Thursday-My first awards show! It doesn't matter what it's for because we all know these events are really about the fashions.Lady Gaga seemed to get alot of attention for her meat dress at the VMAs; however she already had had more than a year to cultivate a fan base that appreciates her for her talent. I don't have that kind of time so I'm gonna go Rose McGowen old school and show up wearing a lego thong and pasties. I'll be on everyone's worst dress list and will almost certainly make the morning news. (They may even have to blur out my naughty bits)! Among others Hoda and Kathie Lee will ask "What was she thinking" as they drink their morning mojitos.

Friday-And what was I thinking?-I was dumped and I was so distraught I was too judgment impaired to make proper fashion choices. Not only that-I was so upset that I wrote a song about the affair that happens to already be available on Itunes. That actor I was 'dating', he took my innocence in the back of limo then promptly dropped me. (Not really of course-but in Hollywood juicy lies are as good as the truth. Better even!) Now I'm a classically trained singer but that shit don't fly unless you're a ten year old girl or an innocent middle aged Scottish woman; so instead I'll speech sing badly taking breaths in between phrases. If anyone points out that I'm off key my publicist (you know who), will call Ryan Seacrest and point out that I'm a singer/songwriter pouring my heart out. Emotion over talent my friends.

Saturday- I check into Promises. This fame thing is really hard.

I would like to thank Paris Hilton, the Pretty Wild girls, Olivia Munn, Taylor Swift, and Bai Ling for being my inspirations.