Yet another Flashback Friday not written or uploaded on Friday. Eh......... like anyone really cares. However as promised I have brought Jaleel White in full Urkel mode performing another great abstinence anthem. Alas, this song wasn't a pop hit but a bit from a public service video on HIV and AIDS starring Magic Johnson and Arsenio Hall. (I would give my eye teeth if they re-made this with a Jimmy, Conan or Craig Ferguson.....it would be AMAZINGGGG!!!!!!!). For those of you too young to remember the cult of Urkel this is basically like if The Suite Life's Zach and/or Cody rapped about keeping it in their pants-except White was a much, much bigger star. Here now-some advice that could change a young teenager's life:
I do actually like this little ditty since it doesn't say you can NEVER have sex it only encourages you to wait until you're more mature----like say when you stop wearing flood pants with suspenders.
The other stand out from this special was Sinbad sporting latex instead of his trademark windbreaker.
Truly his second best acting performance after his guest appearance on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Educators of America-this is what we need - more goofy specials on teen celibacy and safe sex starring hilarious comedians dressed as condoms and child stars poking fun at TON-LOC. (The close up of the retainer-priceless). Maybe it wouldn't keep the teen pregnancy rate down or prevent kids from contracting diseases.....but it would be alot more fun to watch then the dry abstinence only films I was forced to sit through in high school. Damn, I really want to see a Disney kid rapping about keeping it in their pants! I'm looking at you Corey In The House!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Flashback Fridays: Jermaine Stewart Endorses Dry Humping
Okay-so it's not actually Friday-in fact it's not even Saturday, but every week I want to review some gems from our past (read childhood), and Flashback Sundays just doesn't have a catchy ring to it. (What can I say, I'm a sucker for alliteration).
Anyway in keeping with my previous post of The Kids In The Hall's sassy I Won't Spread For No Roses I thought I'd revisit Jermaine Stewart's '88 abstinence anthem 'We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off' . (It took me forever to find it via YouTube because for some reason I thought it was sung by El DeBarge). Now while Stewart may not be the father of Kristina or the ex-brother in law of Janet -he still has his own charms: hell, he looks like a more successful Sanjaya.
The big controversy of the day was whether or not this song was about dry humping. Personally I think it's just a sweet-and super lame-diddy encouraging teenagers to wait before having full blown intercourse. However -even if it is about full clothed grinding - after listening to Chris Brown sing he was "gonna leave it in all night"on SNL -a little dry humpy humpy seems downright romantic. (Seriously Brown, I'm no expert but once you and your lady friend both punch the 'O' card it's time to pull out and do the required amount of cuddling).
That's it for this...uh...Friday. Wait till you see what I have for you next week, one word :Urkel.
Anyway in keeping with my previous post of The Kids In The Hall's sassy I Won't Spread For No Roses I thought I'd revisit Jermaine Stewart's '88 abstinence anthem 'We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off' . (It took me forever to find it via YouTube because for some reason I thought it was sung by El DeBarge). Now while Stewart may not be the father of Kristina or the ex-brother in law of Janet -he still has his own charms: hell, he looks like a more successful Sanjaya.
The big controversy of the day was whether or not this song was about dry humping. Personally I think it's just a sweet-and super lame-diddy encouraging teenagers to wait before having full blown intercourse. However -even if it is about full clothed grinding - after listening to Chris Brown sing he was "gonna leave it in all night"on SNL -a little dry humpy humpy seems downright romantic. (Seriously Brown, I'm no expert but once you and your lady friend both punch the 'O' card it's time to pull out and do the required amount of cuddling).
That's it for this...uh...Friday. Wait till you see what I have for you next week, one word :Urkel.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
You Are Not A Princess-You Are A Dips&^t!
American woman have a problem-It's called the 'Princess Complex'. Seriously, if I see one more grown-ass woman talking about wanting to feel like a princess, meet her prince, be treated like a princess, or look like a princess on her wedding day I am going to punch someone in the taint. (Preferably the woman with Princess Complex). Someone needs to remind these women there is no monarchy in America-so the only way to actually be a princess is to marry foreign royalty, and off the top of my head the only two living Americans I can think of who did that were Queen Noor and Olivia Wilde. (In Wilde's case it's mostly just a title-but Noor actually had to work her butt off as a diplomat.That's right kids, being a royal is actually a job-shocker!). Why anyone would want to be an actual Princess is beyond me since historically they've been nothing more than marriage pawns, and the most famous Modern Princess of our time lived a very unhappy life and a tragic death. I understand why little girls to pretend to be princess,(PersonallyI preferred playing a Queen because I got to boss around knights and hire them out to kill dragons),but as a grown up you need to give up play time and stop wearing chintzy tiaras, unless it's Halloween. It's the same if you pretended to be a superhero as a child- you should only don a cape for the aforementioned holiday or Comic-con.
What bothers me most about the 'Princess Wedding' is it puts the emphasis on the actual event whether than the marriage itself. No wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high-women all over the country are so intent on having their perfect fairy-tale day they forget they're entering into a life long commitment with someone. Last time I checked it took two people to get married, yet if you watch any of the television shows about marriage; Say Yes To The Dress, Four Weddings, Bridezillas, etc.........you learn the grooms are generally not that important- it's the bride's party and she'll do what she wants.
Of course there's still a part of the 'Princess Complex' that relies heavily on the man. After all if you're a spoiled Daddy's girl-as many so-called Princesses are-you're going to be looking for a man to keep you either in high style, (last time I checked these women were actually called 'Gold Diggers' but whatever), or you're looking for a man with no faults because apparently you are perfect and need a mate who matches you in awesomeness. Disney has routinely been criticized for perpetuating the 'a perfect prince will come and save me' mindset to which I call bulls8*t--and not just because I'm mad about the mouse. If you look at all the Disney Princes and/or Disney Princesses' love interests you'll see complicated young men with problems of their own. They may be handsome, brave and lovable but they're all packing some serious baggage. In fact, as the Disney heroines have become more interesting and feministastic-the men have become more in need of saving. However even the early princes-like Phillip who's generally considered the bravest and handsomest of all- are weirder than we realized when we watched the film as children. This guy spyed on Aurora playing with her woodland friends before he even introduced himself. Edward Cullen anyone? Here for you now, are some of the faults and issues of our charming Princes:
Prince Charming-Creeper,probably a necrophiliac
Prince Phillip-Also a Creeper
Prince Charming 2-BORING and I'm guessing a foot fetishist.
Prince Eric- Bad swimmer, easily hypnotized.
Beast-What a temper!, and better looking as a beast than a human.(Seriously what is up with those botox lips?)
Aladdin-Uh...street rat. You just know that poor kid had to do some nasty things for money. Remember the 'Still I think he's rather tastey' lady-yep-he hit it.
Simba-He's Hamlet, 'Nuff said
John Smith-The real John Smith was a blowhard, and this John Smith was voiced by Mel Gibson so.....let's just say there's a reason she married John Rolfe.
Hercules-Sweet........but dumb.
Tarzan-Communication skills and table manners need some work.
Prince Naveen-Just a tad vain. Also-not the best work ethic.
Flynn Rider-Felon
The main instigator of the 'Princess Complex' are actually the parents of those of us in Generations Y and Z. Remember those little girls whose mommy and daddy gave them everything they wanted-well now their parents are giving the 100,000 dollar plus weddings-or-dare I say it, 'Sweet Sixteen' Parties. The 'Sweet Sixteen' parties are the worst because it's like a wedding sans groom making it the ultimate in narcissism. Even worse this seems like a purely American phenomenon, (I'm not counting La Quinceanera as a similar event since it's a cultural rite of passage), which makes us look even more like spoiled bastards to our friends abroad. Let's check out how our British cousins at BBC Four felt about MTV's Sweet Sixteen.
Guess what-he's right. How frightening is it that this is the kind of programming we're sending to foreign countries to represent America. (When I was in Canada-it seemed like the only thing on TV was another princesstastic MTV reality show: The Hills-and this was network television-not cable).
The show Sweet Sixteen is no longer a cultural phenomenon- in fact I don't even think new episodes are being filmed, but that doesn't mean ridiculously lavish 'Sweet Sixteen' parties aren't still happening. Check out this clip from a Say Yes To The Dress episode devoted exclusively to Sweet Sixteen clients.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpWL1HevBgk&playnext=1&list=PL28CAC7C8E81F7DEB
Now lest you thing things have gotten better TLC is bringing us a new show that was surely greenlit by Satan. It's called Outrageous Kid Parties-and it will undoubtedly give of us a whole new generation of self-entitled brats. I would like to remind you that this is a channel that is allegedly dedicated to "Family, Home, Style, and Cooking". Apparently the Family shows are lessons in how not to parent.
What bothers me most about the 'Princess Wedding' is it puts the emphasis on the actual event whether than the marriage itself. No wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high-women all over the country are so intent on having their perfect fairy-tale day they forget they're entering into a life long commitment with someone. Last time I checked it took two people to get married, yet if you watch any of the television shows about marriage; Say Yes To The Dress, Four Weddings, Bridezillas, etc.........you learn the grooms are generally not that important- it's the bride's party and she'll do what she wants.
Of course there's still a part of the 'Princess Complex' that relies heavily on the man. After all if you're a spoiled Daddy's girl-as many so-called Princesses are-you're going to be looking for a man to keep you either in high style, (last time I checked these women were actually called 'Gold Diggers' but whatever), or you're looking for a man with no faults because apparently you are perfect and need a mate who matches you in awesomeness. Disney has routinely been criticized for perpetuating the 'a perfect prince will come and save me' mindset to which I call bulls8*t--and not just because I'm mad about the mouse. If you look at all the Disney Princes and/or Disney Princesses' love interests you'll see complicated young men with problems of their own. They may be handsome, brave and lovable but they're all packing some serious baggage. In fact, as the Disney heroines have become more interesting and feministastic-the men have become more in need of saving. However even the early princes-like Phillip who's generally considered the bravest and handsomest of all- are weirder than we realized when we watched the film as children. This guy spyed on Aurora playing with her woodland friends before he even introduced himself. Edward Cullen anyone? Here for you now, are some of the faults and issues of our charming Princes:
Prince Charming-Creeper,probably a necrophiliac
Prince Phillip-Also a Creeper
Prince Charming 2-BORING and I'm guessing a foot fetishist.
Prince Eric- Bad swimmer, easily hypnotized.
Beast-What a temper!, and better looking as a beast than a human.(Seriously what is up with those botox lips?)
Aladdin-Uh...street rat. You just know that poor kid had to do some nasty things for money. Remember the 'Still I think he's rather tastey' lady-yep-he hit it.
Simba-He's Hamlet, 'Nuff said
John Smith-The real John Smith was a blowhard, and this John Smith was voiced by Mel Gibson so.....let's just say there's a reason she married John Rolfe.
Hercules-Sweet........but dumb.
Tarzan-Communication skills and table manners need some work.
Prince Naveen-Just a tad vain. Also-not the best work ethic.
Flynn Rider-Felon
The main instigator of the 'Princess Complex' are actually the parents of those of us in Generations Y and Z. Remember those little girls whose mommy and daddy gave them everything they wanted-well now their parents are giving the 100,000 dollar plus weddings-or-dare I say it, 'Sweet Sixteen' Parties. The 'Sweet Sixteen' parties are the worst because it's like a wedding sans groom making it the ultimate in narcissism. Even worse this seems like a purely American phenomenon, (I'm not counting La Quinceanera as a similar event since it's a cultural rite of passage), which makes us look even more like spoiled bastards to our friends abroad. Let's check out how our British cousins at BBC Four felt about MTV's Sweet Sixteen.
Guess what-he's right. How frightening is it that this is the kind of programming we're sending to foreign countries to represent America. (When I was in Canada-it seemed like the only thing on TV was another princesstastic MTV reality show: The Hills-and this was network television-not cable).
The show Sweet Sixteen is no longer a cultural phenomenon- in fact I don't even think new episodes are being filmed, but that doesn't mean ridiculously lavish 'Sweet Sixteen' parties aren't still happening. Check out this clip from a Say Yes To The Dress episode devoted exclusively to Sweet Sixteen clients.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpWL1HevBgk&playnext=1&list=PL28CAC7C8E81F7DEB
Now lest you thing things have gotten better TLC is bringing us a new show that was surely greenlit by Satan. It's called Outrageous Kid Parties-and it will undoubtedly give of us a whole new generation of self-entitled brats. I would like to remind you that this is a channel that is allegedly dedicated to "Family, Home, Style, and Cooking". Apparently the Family shows are lessons in how not to parent.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Travel Channel's New Show Is An Affront To Patrick Swayze and Common Decency
I was watching a bit of the Ghost Adventures marathon this afternoon-because I like my ghost hunters to be overgrown frat boys who are morally outraged over everything- when I saw an ad for the Travel Channel's new series. I can't think of a clever segway so I'm just going to come out and tell you.......it's about ghost sex. Yep, and not ghosts having sex with each other-which I suppose could just be an imprint of a very passionate moment in time- and not people having sex with their dead lovers or spouses ala Ghost; but live people having sex with ghosts they barely know...............GRRRRRROOOOOOSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! Watch the promo for yourself and see what you think. Apparently it's going to premiere as a special Valentine's Day double feature with a Ghost Adventures where front man Zach looks for some hot succubus action.
It seems that Travel Channel has finally decided to appeal to the lowest common denominator and has done it in the most disgusting way possible. Perhaps the reason I'm so outraged is that being raped by a ghost has always been a fear of mine.(Seriously-where would you go for therapy? All the normal channels for victim healing would most likely be closed to you). Yes, I know it's a ridiculous thing to worry about. Luckily it seemed so ridiculous I was able to put it on my list of things I'm scared of that could never possibly happen along with spontaneously combusting and being abducted by aliens. Now spontaneous combustion is still the least likely-since it seems to only happen to elderly alcoholics- but ghost rape may have just surpassed alien abduction as the most probable of the improbable.
Now maybe I'm just being an old fashioned prude again. After all, from the little bit we can see on the ad, it looks like this is consensual sex with ghosts- and who am I to deny a horny ghost and a freaky chick sexy time? Though as far as relationships go it seems like a dead end? I'm assuming a ghost lover wouldn't have the resources to take you out for Valentine's Day, and as for marriage, and children forget about. Of course it's their life and his..um...afterlife.
Still, 'spirit sex' reminds me way too much of two squirm inducing movies to make me feel comfortable. The first is Hollow Man, a modern take on H.G.Wells The Invisible Man where a scientist uses his new found powers of invisibility to rape hot chicks from central casting. Take a look:
The movie generated alot of controversy-mostly because some movie critics accused it of being misogynistic. Truthfully this is a little unfair since A)Elizabeth Shue is the hero of the movie, Bacon is the villain (I mean, seriously if it's a movie about a molester and Kevin Bacon's in it-he's always going to be playing the molester), and B) there are lots of super creepy dudes who would use the power of invisibility in this way. (In fact check out Alan Moore's take on the original Invisible Man in the first The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen book-he rapes Pollyanna.....I'm not joking).
The second film, The Entity, is actually based on the true story of a woman who was repeatedly raped my a ghost and/or an entity from another dimension...allegedly. (Full Disclosure time-one of my favorite acting teachers from drama school-Jackie Brooks, who's probably best known for her role as the commissioner in the Naked Gun films-is the lead paranormal investigator the film which is the only reason I was able to watch it). The Entity is not the world's greatest film but because it's based on a true story it is TER-I-FYING. (The scene where the entity in question plays with Barbara Hershey's boobs will haunt me forever).
I'm very interested to see if Ghostly Lovers will be controversial at all-probably not since it's on the Travel Channel. In fact, at most it will be lucky to supply regular clips to The Soup. Still, I think it's in poor taste,
if Travel Channel wanted to go all sexy on us-couldn't they have just brought back Bridget's Beaches?
It seems that Travel Channel has finally decided to appeal to the lowest common denominator and has done it in the most disgusting way possible. Perhaps the reason I'm so outraged is that being raped by a ghost has always been a fear of mine.(Seriously-where would you go for therapy? All the normal channels for victim healing would most likely be closed to you). Yes, I know it's a ridiculous thing to worry about. Luckily it seemed so ridiculous I was able to put it on my list of things I'm scared of that could never possibly happen along with spontaneously combusting and being abducted by aliens. Now spontaneous combustion is still the least likely-since it seems to only happen to elderly alcoholics- but ghost rape may have just surpassed alien abduction as the most probable of the improbable.
Now maybe I'm just being an old fashioned prude again. After all, from the little bit we can see on the ad, it looks like this is consensual sex with ghosts- and who am I to deny a horny ghost and a freaky chick sexy time? Though as far as relationships go it seems like a dead end? I'm assuming a ghost lover wouldn't have the resources to take you out for Valentine's Day, and as for marriage, and children forget about. Of course it's their life and his..um...afterlife.
Still, 'spirit sex' reminds me way too much of two squirm inducing movies to make me feel comfortable. The first is Hollow Man, a modern take on H.G.Wells The Invisible Man where a scientist uses his new found powers of invisibility to rape hot chicks from central casting. Take a look:
The movie generated alot of controversy-mostly because some movie critics accused it of being misogynistic. Truthfully this is a little unfair since A)Elizabeth Shue is the hero of the movie, Bacon is the villain (I mean, seriously if it's a movie about a molester and Kevin Bacon's in it-he's always going to be playing the molester), and B) there are lots of super creepy dudes who would use the power of invisibility in this way. (In fact check out Alan Moore's take on the original Invisible Man in the first The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen book-he rapes Pollyanna.....I'm not joking).
The second film, The Entity, is actually based on the true story of a woman who was repeatedly raped my a ghost and/or an entity from another dimension...allegedly. (Full Disclosure time-one of my favorite acting teachers from drama school-Jackie Brooks, who's probably best known for her role as the commissioner in the Naked Gun films-is the lead paranormal investigator the film which is the only reason I was able to watch it). The Entity is not the world's greatest film but because it's based on a true story it is TER-I-FYING. (The scene where the entity in question plays with Barbara Hershey's boobs will haunt me forever).
I'm very interested to see if Ghostly Lovers will be controversial at all-probably not since it's on the Travel Channel. In fact, at most it will be lucky to supply regular clips to The Soup. Still, I think it's in poor taste,
if Travel Channel wanted to go all sexy on us-couldn't they have just brought back Bridget's Beaches?
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Vengeful Virgin
I haven't really felt like writing in awhile, so I thought I'd post my favorite pulp novel cover since it's somewhat pertinent to this website. And no-the reason I love this picture has nothing to do with the fact the heroine/fatale has an upturned nose and red hair.
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