Why Girls Hate Comics...or....Ultimate Fantastic Four loses Another Fan (It's Me!)

Classic Jack and Stan Reed and Sue Richards are appalled at the events taking place in Marvels' Ultimate universe.

Normally my blog is about gender or sex issues but today I decided to go in a different direction since I hadn't written anything for awhile. As a nerd it was inevitable that I would get around to writing about something comic book related eventually. I know most of my readers, (who aren't offical followers what the hell guys?! Help a girl out!), are not comic book readers. Sorry guys-but you might want to skim the article anyway because it may give you insight into why super-hero comic sales are flagging when films starring spandex crusaders are breaking box office records around the world.

I have a love/hate relationship with super-hero comics-but not for the reason you may think. Tons of female bloggers will waste their time complaning that comic books feature heroines with perfect unrealistic bodies and that they feature sadistic violence towards women. Yeah-I could care less about these women they are truly the soul sisters to the women who hate Barbie. Male heroes have incredibly unrealistic bodies too-they range from physically perfect movie star to insanely big ala Arnold in Pumping Iron. As for bondage and violence....they're crime fighters! Both male and female heroes are constantly engaging in fights and getting tied up by villians. One day I plan to write a whole blog on how cape comics are unfairly sterotyped as promoting violence towards women and body dismorphia-but not today.

Instead I'm going to talk about why I will stop reading a comic book series I had been enjoying. Oddly enough it's the same reason my mother stopped watching Grey's Anatomy after the first season..............character inconsistancy!!!!! Yep, just like late night soaps(which is a suprisingly similar medium) superhero comics-which change writers often-suffer from characters who abrubtly behave differntly than they did in earlier issues;almost as if they had a personlity transplant. When a comic book company is feeling particularly stupid.....or desperate...... they will often pull a giant stunt like a death, an engagement, or.........a new coupling that you just didn't see coming!

It is the latter two that I am currently pissed about. For those of you unfamiliar with comics let me give you a brief history lesson. Marvel Comics (Spider-man, Iron man, Thor, X-men,etc), has multiple parellel universes where there stories take place. Most comics take place in the 616 universe, (or 'real Marvel universe' as some fans call it). The 616 universe is the one created by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and a few other gifted creators in the 60s. (With a few characters revived from the Golden Age). Since the 616 Marvel Universe gotten into comics. In fact you may have to check the old Wiki several times just to learn who recurring characters are and what past events your protagoists are referring to. Now to get a younger (read teen), audience interested in their books Marvel created the Ultimateverse, where orgins and characters were given hip new spins and the stories started at the heroes' orgin stories. (Most of the plot arcs in the Ultimateverse were ones from 616's past but ...ya know....cooler).

I am a Fantastic Four nut, so the one Ultimate book I truly took a liking too was, of course, Ultimate Fantastic Four. You know the  basic orgin story from the movie and UFF was very similar except all the FF were young adults, and it was a transporter accident-not cosmic rays from space that gave them their powers. Plus everyone except Ben (The Thing) was a student at a think-tank run by Johnny and Susan Storm's father. (Ben was Reed's best friend visiting before he went overseas with the army). So far so good until UFF pulled a Grey's on me. They changed everyone's personality and had Sue and Ben get engaged. (What was the hated couple on Grey's called ? Grizzy?...Well this is definatly the Grizzy of the comics world). If Ultimate Sue Storm was Katherine Heigal she'd quit the book.

For those of you not in the know-and congratulations on having a real hobbie- Reed Richards(Mr.Fantastic) and Susan Storm-Richards (The Invisible Woman) are almost certainly the longest married superhero couple in comics. They were married in the 60s early in their run and unlike most married superheroes have stayed together-no divorce-and neither one of them died.  (Sorry kids, MJ and Spidey........Kaput).

For your enjoyment here's a few choice 616 Reed and Sue moments:

Adorable.......yes!

And what did you get for your anniversery? Sue got ...a freakin' universe she can wear on her finger!

A romantic vacation to a moon.....yes please!

And the sex is good! Reed Richards- new spokesperson for pills that give your dong super-stretchy powers? That's invention you should get on mister smartest man in the world.
The 616 Richards are also rare in the annals of superhero history because they are parents. Their son Franklin-who was perpetually four for ,like, forever-will grow up to be the most powerful mutant in the world and most likely father a supervillian with the daughter of Jean Grey and Cyclops- as he has done in other Marvel Universes. Their daughter Valeria is no less impressive-at three she has surpassed her father as the smartest person in the world.

Franklin and Val chilling with Uncle Johnny and honary Uncle Ben, all blissfully unaware that Turd Ben in an alternate universe will get with their mom. Apparently there will be no adorable-freak of nature Richards children in the Ultimateverse.

Why do I bring this up? Because what makes The Fantastic Four special is that it is a comic book about a family-------not just the 616 books but the Ultimate books as well. Originally in the first ever Fantastic Four comic there was a love triangle between Reed Sue and Ben.(Albeit a one sided one since Sue was clearly interested,and already engaged, to Reed). The love triangle probably came from the large amounts of  Romance Comics co-creator Jack Kirby worked on in the fifties. (Kirby and his then partner Joe Simon were the creators of  the whole genre of extremely popular Romance Comics). Luckily Jack and Stan were savy enough to realize you can't have a comic book about a family when the only character who's not actually related to his other teamates is trying to get in the pants of his best friend's girl. The Ben wanting Sue plot was dropped by............Issue 2! Say what you will about Jack and Stan but together they knew what worked-which is why they're the creators of some of the best and most iconic superheroes of all time. Now it's true Ultimate Reed and Sue are not married, (though Reed was getting ready to propose before a bunch of s^&t happened), but they still functioned as a family unit with Reed and Sue being the anchor of that unit. After all, Reed and Sue are Marvel's classic iconic couple for a reason---they work. The UBen Sue thing may be interesting for some, *cough* stupid, readers for awhile since it's a novelty but the characters don't work as lovers and the 'romance' has made a fun book feel....sleazy.

Now if you're still reading-I'm going to present you with the letter I wrote today. On a personal note I'm grieving over the death of my uncle who died last week and it seemed liked a good idea to take my anger out on Marvel-which is why the letter may seem  particularly virulent. Still, I would be angry regardless, and I'm a sarcastic bitch so.......the email would probably have been really nasty anyway.


Here folks is the hopefully scathing letter I sent to the Ultimate Marvel office:



Once upon a time I loved Ultimate Fantastic Four -true I  was behind on my issues but I was ordering the compilations on Amazon like a mad woman to catch up since I enjoyed the book so much. I say enjoyed because that was BEFORE the dumb ass shenanigans of Ultimatum and Ultimatum Doom. Yes, I am yet another person upset by the Ben Sue engagement. Why you ask? Well let's count the reasons true believers:

1. Sue used to be the strongest most interesting female character in the Ultimateverse-this is just a tad important to me because as I mentioned earlier ----I am female.Then her head got cut off and put in a refrigerator---er---so to speak. After she broke up with Reed she had a special cuddle session with Namor, (okay, I would make out with Namor so I understood that), and then rebounded directly into the arms of Ben.

Guess what-Sue's starting to look like either a slut--or the kind of girl with such low self esteem she HAS to be in a relationship. The recent UFF story lines are a prime example of why few women read comics-what woman wants to read a series where their heroine is strong in one book and then becomes an "I need a man" basket case in the next. If I wanted to see those kinds of characters I'd watch a Reese Weatherspoon movie. Seriously if you guys were going for inconsistent writing and character development congratulations you're 'Winning!'

For some reason UJohnny is OK with this, but everyone else is acting like a character from another book so why should he be consistant? Hey you know what would be fun---let's make Johnny gay even though there's been no evidence so far to suggest he's attracted to men! Maybe he and UReed could hook up----that would make so much sense!

2. Maybe there were signs Ben was attracted to Sue but there was never any indication Sue loved anyone but Reed. (Again while she was physically attracted to Namor she was in love with Reed). It was an adorable relationship and incredibly fun to see how Reed and Sue interacted when they were the same age and not 7 to 15 years apart.

UReed and Sue in happier times, yeah, it really looks like she only liked Reed for the qualities he got from hanging with Ben. Seriously though :how cute are they?----- Marvel why did you have to go and F*5king ruin this!

You may not be able to read the panels-but you can tell from the art that Ben does not look very upset for someone who's 'true love' is kissing his best friend. In fact he's making a joke about Reed's elastitongue stretching. Way to go with continuity guys!

 Having Sue PROPOSE to Ben makes her seem weak.( 'Oh I'm so upset---will you marry and take care of me you big strong man!')

Also the fact that she's suddenly into Ben now that he's human looking-------that makes her seem shallow. Remember she was never attracted to him when he was The Thing. Guess what, her sudden 'love' for him seems fake. If they had something real there would have been sparks when he was a giant orange rock.

Men Down: Both Reed and Ben are knocked out- yet who does she run to----Reed. If she was truly in love with The Thing wouldn't she have run to him first. Note: This page was after Reed and Sue broke up and the issue after she had sexy time with Namor. (Probably why he looks so displeased that she's caressing Reed).

3. What have you done to UReed? Do the Ultimate writers suddenly hate him? Is this a case of nerds in refrigerators? (Call DC and get Gail Simone on the phone Stat!) He used to be the protagonist of the series-which as the UFF leader made sense. Now UBen's the protagonist and while I love Ben, (ur, used to love Ben), switching protagonists is bad writing. More to the point why is UBen now the Gary Stu of the Ultimateverse? Yep-I said Gary STU-I went there. Who wrote this book, Dan Brown? Gee-I can't wait until Bobby becomes the main character in Ultimate Spider-Man. Can he get engaged to M.J. or Gwen, or both? That would be soooooo awesome and make tons of sense.

4. Ultimate Ben and Reed's relationship was one of the sweetest bromances in comics. Having UBen take up with USue right after a troubled UReed is clearly having a mental breakdown makes him look like world's biggest jackass; especially since he knew how devastated Reed was after the break-up.

Apparently he's no longer interested in trying to help his best friend......at least not when there's invisible poon to be had. Apparently bros before her-os no longer holds any weight with UBen.........A*%hole.

5. Last but not least whether UBen and Sue get to the alter or not this is clearly a stunt to save a dying line of books........ and you guys know it. I stopped reading current DC comics years ago because I was soooooo tired of all the insane story lines that ruined every good plot arc that came before it. Instead books seemed designed to create blog and chat buzz whether than tell a good story. Don't think this tactic is working on your part. It's hard to find much on the Internet about the UFF engagement- I think, no I know, this is because it is the most hated storyline since Gwen Stacey and Norman Osborne's love children. All my comic bros. hate it-don't want to talk about. (Please, please, please, can USue be a Skrull? It's lame but it's better than the drivel in Doom Ultimatum).  I am not going to be buying Ultimate books to see how this turns out-my friends are not going to buy Ultimate books to see how this turns out-in fact I'm going to sell all my UFF compilations at Half Price book store and buy new books that did not invalidate every relationship I cared about in their universe. (I did think about burning them in protest but that seems a little much-even for me). Now- if you retcon this sh*t, and sh*t it is.....you'll once again have my patronage. (Maybe USue opens the shower curtain and finds UReed there..he's not crazy or dead....it was all a dream!)

Reed? Why do you look like J.R.?

Truthfully if I wasn't so enjoying Hickman's FF and Slot's run on Amazing Spider-Man I would boycott Marvel all together. I just can't take all this stupid crap changing and ruining the characters I love. True-maybe I am a little too invested in the FF in any universe-----but as a company THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. Caring about characters and loving story lines-that gets you readers--which gets you business! Sadly I'm one reader you've lost-and maybe you don't care but I feel pretty crappy about it. We're breaking up UltimateMarvel-it's not me but it's definitely you.


Thanks for listening to my rant. I apologize for any typos or spelling errors but ya know....I'm upset. And lastly-it's a cheap shot-----but Jack would be ashamed of you.

Jack and Stan get all emotional at Reed and Sue's wedding. Cheap shot or Jack Kirby would hate the new UFF romance........and Ben Grimm was Jack Kirby's fictional alter ego!

----Caitlyn

Former UFF fan

Okay, your lesson for today kids-comic books can jump the shark the same way TV shows do, andUFF has definatly jumped the shark. Once in awhile I question my love of comics because a title I enjoy frustrates me to no end when it starts pulling stupid s*^t. Women love their stories-and when a writer or coperation screws up your characters you no longer want to spend time with those people-in that imaginary world- any more. That folks is the real reason girls can't get into super-hero comic books-the stories and characters are so inconsistant it makes Days of Our Lives look like great art. Give a girl a break DC and Marvel-stop fucking around and give your readers the stories they deserve. If you don't then film and television may be the only medium left for costumed heroes.

I wanna cry too 'Good' Ben. Maybe I need to get another hobbie......knitting anyone?

Ken: He's Not Gay, He's Plastic

Okay-I warned you it was going to happen and here it is .........my Ken blog. If Barbie speaks volumes on our ideas about gender roles and femininity; what does Ken say? Does he represent our ideal American man ? Probably not. Does he represent prepubescent girl's idea of manhood. Maybe. After all, creating boy dolls for little girls has always been tricky, in large part because most kids aren't that interested in playing with children their own age of the opposite sex. Of course there are exceptions, and any more pre-tweens tend to have one or two friends of  a different gender, but still mostly they hang out in groups of the same sex. Barbie's popularity, however, revolves around pretending to be grown up-and for heterosexual little girls the fantasy of adult life generally involves a boyfriend or a husband. Still- little girl's generally aren't attracted to overtly masculine dolls-they're either gross or they remind them too much of their own father's or other family members. Chest and facial hair is especially repellent to little girls which is why Chest Hair Magic Ken probably won't be in the works anytime soon. (Though Mattel has experimented with beards and sideburns as you'll see in some of the commercials below). All in all young girls are more attracted to softer looking almost effeminate looking men who appear cute but also safe and asexual. I'm referring to not only dolls but teen heartthrobs as well- even current teen icons. Take a good look at Justin Beiber, his  face is not unlike  the Ken doll of the 60s.

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You have to remember that Ken is a fashion doll, and from a business perspective his function is to sell outfits. Preferably a large number of outfits.

Okay-so the guy's a clotheshorse-so are tons of straight guys. Yet it's hard to buy early Barbie and Ken as an items. Barbie looks like a sexually mature woman-more like a thirty something Jane Mansfield than a high school junior. Ken on the other hand actually looks like a gangley teenage boy. (Remember when Miley Cyrus dated that hunky adult model when she was fifteen? ) If this isn't confusing enough Barbie and Ken's relationship became even more questionable once Midge's boyfriend Alan came into the picture.

Doesn't it seem like Ken and Allen spend more time with each other than they do with their girls? They do do "everything together". And sharing clothes? How many dudes borrow each other's threads on a regular basis. However  if you need more proof Ken and Allen's relationship is more than your average bromance take a look at Allan's packaging.

Um, so Ken and Allen are 'buddies'; it says so on the box about five hundred times-though the packaging makes me wonder what exactly the term 'buddy' means. Seriously-is this not the gayest thing you've ever seen? It looks like the cover of one of the vintage gay pulp novels where two teenage boys at summer camp discover their sexuality by experimenting with each other. ---- I'm not gonna lie, I get a little turned on thinking about it. Of course I'm looking at it through a 2011 lens, and I'm sure the dolls were never intended to be gay-but today the relationship seems about as subtle as Arthur and Eames in Inception. I totally ship it.

When Barbie got a make-over in the late 60s, so did Ken. Barbie's new face made her look younger and less um.......cosmopolitan. Ken's on the other hand made him look more manly.

I'm not sure the overhaul of Ken' appearence worked exactly the way Mattel had hoped. Now Barbie looks like a teenager-or at least a college student and Ken looks and sound like a creepy uncle. I'm not sure whether he seems gay, or straight.....personally I would say undiscriminating. I certainly would never leave him alone with Barbie, and I wouldn't let him near Skipper.

Then came the 70s which was a rough time to be a male fashion doll. Overt masculinity was in and as I stated above- manlieness doesn't play to little girls. The major sex symbol of the day was Burt Reynolds all sideburns and facial hair. Here's a little reminder of how BR looked in the 70s. Warning: It may haunt your dreams:

Obviously-that is not a look appropriate for Ken. To make matters worse- Ken had always had a potential rival for Barbie's affection, (depending on whether or not the little girl who owned him had a brother) in G.I. Joe.

Talk about butch. While Ken was stuck being an accessory to his girlfriend Joe got to have adventures and cool jobs.

I wonder if Astronaut Joe was part of the mission that went to the moon with Astronaut Barbie. (The first astronaut Joe appeared in the 60s as well). As far as I know there has never been an astronaut Ken, which means poor Ken was waiting for Barbie at home while she was probably hitting it with Astronaut Joe in space.

Now I realize I said girls don't like gruff, masculine dolls; but a boy doll is a boy doll and if Barbie and Midge need a companion for a night out-stealing Joe from your brother's room is a quick fix. Of course I could be wrong about pre pubescent girls' male doll prefences. I know several women from my mother's generation who did integrate Joes into their Barbie play. In fact, the reason Hasbro's stopped making Ken size Joes is they didn't want the doll to be confused with a 'girl toy'. Maybe there's a more sinister reason early 60s Ken was so effeminate. Perhaps Mattel wanted to 'protect' little girls from adult male sexuality. After all ,the male executives at Mattel turned down Barbie creator Ruth Handler's original idea to make Ken anatomically correct. The famous 'bump' was a compromise between a penis and painted on underwear.

Even though Ken would never be as tough (or hairy) as the Joes, Mattel has always changed with the times and they did make an effort to make Ken a more happening 70s dude.

Does anyone else find it disturbing that bearded Ken is a villain? Is he going to tie Barbie to the train tracks or what? He apparently learned nothing from the bearded Joes who had facial hair and were heroes. Still, this Rapey Bearded Ken is alot more masculine than Beiber Ken, and still less frightening than Talking Molester Ken.

Ken's brief foray into heterosexual butchitude didn't last long. The plastic hair came back and the choice of  facial hair disappeared in the 80s and early 90s. One has to wonder if the questions surrounding Ken's sexuality have to do with his choice of professions.

He's been a ballroom dancer:

An ice skater:

And a movie Star:

Now I'm not saying there aren't straight ice skaters, actors, or dancers but the ones who look like Ken generally aren't the guys who get Natalie Portman pregnant. I mean----did you see that wardrobe? He's practically a Scott Thompson Character.

Ken's butchest moment in the 80s probably came when he was in Barbie's 'Jem & The Holograms' knock-off band 'The Rockers'



Of course he's still wearing pink. Is it any wonder I think the other guy in the band is way cuter?

Then came the mid and late 90s where Mattel tried facial hair again. However this doll looked less like a cross between Warren Beatty and Burt Reynolds and more like Brian Austin Green, making him allegedly more palatable to little girls. (Did a wee Megan Fox play with this doll?)

Okay-I never watched 90210 but I do think this is one of the cutest Ken dolls ever made. Maybe it's the hair.

Like any with-it 90s dude, Ken was still in touch with his sensitive side-apparently he's a great babysitter.



Considering the age difference between Ken and his little bro I'll guess his parents are divorced and this is the child from his father's second marriage to a much younger woman. Topical indeed Mattel.

Ken-of course-being a confirmed bachelor can't have children of his own. Almost all their friends are married and yet after fifty some years of dating Barbie still refuses to tie the knot, ( though she has no problem modeling the occasional wedding dress). Midge had no qualms marrying Alan in 1991 and later having a child with him. (That pregnant Barbie Wal-mart scandal-that was actually 'Happy Family Midge' and even though she didn't have a wedding ring on she was and is still married to 'Happy Family Alan').  Indeed Barbie and Ken are the Oprah and Steadman of the toy world. Maybe Barbie's afraid if she and Ken get married then divorced  he'll take her for half of the all the money she's earned from her multitude of high paying jobs. Barbie's reluctance to walk down the isle with Ken may be one of the reason the two broke up in a much publicized PR stunt created by Mattel in 2004.

Oddly enough in a commercial for a Barbie bride doll in 2008 she appears to be marrying someone who's NOT Ken. In fact the doll's name is 'Groom doll'. WTF?

Wait a minute----isn't that the other guys from 'The Rockers'? I told you he was the cute one. However, Barbie's first rebound relationship was with a surfer named Blaine. An odd choice for an astronaut, teacher, vet, physician, movie star, president---is G.I. Joe no longer single?

Luckily for Ken  ha and Barbie did get back together this Valentine's day.http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41534939/ns/today-today_fashion_and_beauty/ Perhaps one of the core reasons for their reconciliation was their romantic subplot in 2010's Toy Story 3. Hey even Kate Middleton and Prince William took a little break.

If that isn't love at first sight I don't know what is. Barbie and Ken may just be the most romantic Disney couple since Beauty and Beast. (In case you're wondering Ken's  in Toy Story 3 is actually 'Animal Lovin' Ken' from 1988).



Turns out Ken wasn't gay after all-just metrosexual. Sure he occasionally wears matching outfits with his girlfriend but don't Will Smith and David Beckham do the same things with their wives; and has anyone ever questioned their sexuality?  He's a sensitive guy who loves animals, his little brother, pastels and Barbie. Too bad I still ship him with Alan.

Flashback Fridays: Barbie Flake or Feminist, Pt.1

I just finished reading M.G.Lord's Forever Barbie An Unauthorized History of A Real Doll. Lord's approach was refreshing because she's a bit of a fan of the doll-yet she's not blind to some of Barbie more Bimboesque incarnations. She also is not so anti-Barbie that she ignores the pioneering work of Barbie's creator Ruth Handler, or Barbie's contributions to little girl's (and some boys') play. All in all it's a fair and interesting 'biography' and one I would recommend to book clubs around the country. The book's greatest problem is that it was written in 1994 before Barbie's body was changed to have more realistic measurements.....and more importantly before the great Barbie/Bratz wars of the auts.

For Flashback Friday, (once again not posted on an actual Friday), I've decided to put up some classic Barbie television ads to look at her evolution from teenage fashion model, (yeah she was supposed to be sixteen in the sixties), to  the 'We Girls Can Do Anything" as long as it involves wearing pink Barbie of the 80s. I Give You:
A Short History Of  Barbie As Told In Commercials



The Mattel Company's were advertising pioneers they were the first toy company to directly appeal to children via television. This ad was first aired on The Mickey Mouse Club.

The whole basis of the doll was to act as a three dimensional paper doll----i.e. a doll you could put lots of different clothes on.  Barbie's bizarre dimensions (copied from a novelty doll in Germany), are the best measurements to display clothes on a miniature model. If Barbie had measurements like a real women-even an almost perfect woman-the clothes would look odd. I'm sure no one could have known at the time that later Barbie would be accused of giving women low self-esteem-especially since the whole idea was to create a doll with a career that showed little girls they did not have to grow up to be wives and mothers.  However it's obvious that Mattel knew exactly what they were doing when they promoted Barbie's glamorous lifestyle.

Innocent stuff but you can see where Barbie would later be criticized for inducting girls into a consumerist culture. There's more than a little truth in the popular ' 90s T-shirt and bumper sticker slogan "I wanna be Barbie that bitch has everything!"

Of course as Barbie became more and more popular Mattel had to release more and more products to keep children and parents interested. Interestingly enough this little theater set is not so different from the puppet theaters they sell in 'educational' toy stores today.

Barbie's received tons of flack over the years for encouraging girls to stay in the subservient sex role so it's interesting to note that Handler never caved when the pressure was repeatedly put on her to marry Barbie off ,and give her children. Handler slyly created babysitter Barbie so she could have small children to play with. She did give her a boyfriend-though really Ken is about as disposable as anyone of her accessories. (Not to mention Ken's sexuality as been called in to question repeatedly over the years. Move over Midge---many of us suspect Ken may really be Barbie's best girlfriend).

Far warning y'all a follow up Ken blog is in the works!

Mattel didn't just make Barbie appealing by continually updating her clothes and accessories, but through innovations in materials they improved the doll's flexibility by making her easier to play with.

Barbie & Co's bendable legs may not be that impressive now - but it was big stuff back in the 60s.

Then of course there was Twist n Turn Barbie in '67 complete with a new face mold. Barbie no longer looked like an Aryan dominatrix but a fresh faced young woman you might see lounging on the beach.

The beach of course is often thought of  as Barbie's main habitat and I place the blame squarely on Malibu Barbie's oddly brown shoulders. True, the original Barbie came in a swimsuit but Malibu Barbie in the early 70s cemented Barbie's reputation as a beachcomber.

If you'd like to see just how many accessories and friends Barbie had amassed in the 70s all you have to do is watch this next video-though-fair warning-it's a long one.

I'll admit there's something a tad 'Stepford' in that Barbie video that gives me the willies.

You may have noticed a surprising lack of pink in all the commercials thus far-that's because Barbie didn't decide on a favorite color until the '80s when Mattel realized pink is the color that tests best with little girls. Yep, I love Barbie but we can blame her for the over saturation of pink in little girl culture. However while Barbie may have done everything while wearing pink-she was doing some pretty amazing things. The working girl movement of the 80s led to Barbie getting some nifty jobs. Perhaps the niftiest being  an astronaut.

Okay so she likes to go to the discotech and shake her groove thing in a fluffy dress after work.....if you were stuck in zero gravity drinking your own urine and not showering for months you'd want to pretty yourself up and go dancing to. Hey it's not like she kidnapped a rival for Ken's affection and dumped her in the trunk of her car. (Too soon?) I should note that Barbie was actually an astronaut in the 60s-in a far more realistic suit. For the 60s that was down right radical, yet when Barbie is criticized it's almost never brought up, she was in space almost 20 years before an actual female astronaut.

On of the most popular Barbie's of the 80s was day -to -night Barbie, a business woman complete with shoulder pads

In case you've been watching with the sound off the 80s were the time of the 'We Girls Can Do Anything, Right Barbie' ad campaign. However the 80s were also  a decade of excess, and while Mattel stopped short of releasing Bret Easton Ellis Barbie she certainly had an affluent lifestyle.

  So is Barbie a flake or an important feminist icon? Talk amongst yourselves until I put up part 2 of this blog...which will be.....whenever I damn well feel like it. Hell, Barbie told me I could do whatever I wanted.

Pop Culture Wants You To Believe Men Are Dogs

Men are sex crazed horn dogs who become babbling idiots when up against a nice pair of breasts--- at least that's what pop culture wants us to believe. Look at the new movie Hall Pass which earned a gabillion dollars opening weekend, (okay-I'm inflating the figure slightly-but you get the idea). In the film two men played by Jason Sudeikis and Owen Wilson are so obsessed with sex their wives (Jenna Fischer and Kelly Bundy) give them permission to sleep with other women over a weekend-or a week or..... something. I'm not completely clear on the facts because I haven't seen the movie.

 1) it looks stupid
 2) the plot was funnier as an arc on Curb Your Enthusiasm where the only reason Sheryl gave her husband the OK to have sex with another woman was because she knew he was too neurotic to seal the deal......and in true Larry fashion he was.
3) I'd rather not endorse a film that makes married women out to be sex loathing harpies
 4) Maybe if no one sees these paint by number comedies talented actors will actually appear in movies more deserving of A-list talent. (Why Christina Applegate and Sudeikis chose to do this movie after the refreshing Going the Distance I'll never know.)

Now-even though I have not seen the movie I can venture a guess as to what happens-our hapless heroes realize casual sex with vapid twenty-somethings isn't all it's cracked up to be and they come home with a new appreciation for their wives. Happy Ending. Role Credits. Blah, blah, blah...............Guess what-it doesn't really matter how the movie ends because it's the television ads and trailer that put butts in the seat. There may be a moral at the end of the rainbow but the audience is coming to see hilarious shenanigans that ensue when men get a break from marriage! Yeay!  (The TV commercial is particularly offensive because it features the men making fun of an attractive women with a strange, large nose. Correct me if I'm wrong ladies but when you think about attractive MEN with weird noses isn't Owen Wilson the first person who comes to mind?)

I'm not going to sit here and write that some men aren't horn toads......some women are horn toads. What concerns me is that in our culture we like to imply that what every married man really wants is to have sex with a succession of women other than the one he made those stinky ole' vows to. Keep in mind I'm not saying married people never do a double take when an attractive person walks by, never look at porn, or never fantasize about people other than their spouse-but there's a big difference between Roman orgies in fantasy land and actual sex. I'm also not saying you can't have bed hopping male characters on television and film but does it have to be EVERY male character. Obviously I'm exaggerating slightly there are still lots of interesting characters that run the gamut of American male sexuality. A great example of a show that shows different sides of male behavior is How I Met Your Mother  where Barney's promiscuity (Neil Patrick Harris)  is tempered by married and super-in-love Marshall (Jason Segel)  and serial monogomist Ted (Josh Radnor). However what concerns me is that the 'man as sex crazed idiot' has become pervasive enough that it's a common archetype in advertising. Here, as an example is my least favorite commercial of all time.

What really drives me nuts about this commercial is that it could have been HILARIOUS. All the advertisers had to do was substitute a teenage boy for the middle-aged husband. No married man-I don't care how hot the plumber is- should be that desperate to see the sexy version of plumber's butt. Now I readily accept that teenage boys are horny idiots, (teenage girls are too- how else do you account for the popularity of the Twilight books), and to a fifteen year old boy the idea of clogging a toilet  to meet a Kardashian like plumber might seem like a brilliant idea.  In fact a mother who finds her adolescent son flushing inanimate objects down the drain would be mad at first---but would most likely laugh about it over time, especially if she knew it was done to meet a beautiful woman. A woman who finds her husband doing the same thing-----well, you get the idea the couple in the commercial are going to have a long talk. It's a pretty dark ending for an ad that's supposed to be humorous, then again the Hall Pass commercials are supposed to be funny too.

Flashback Fridays: Urkel's Not Ready For The Wild Thing

Yet another Flashback Friday not written or uploaded on Friday. Eh......... like anyone really cares. However as promised I have brought Jaleel White in full Urkel mode performing another great abstinence anthem. Alas, this song wasn't a pop hit but a bit from a public service video on HIV and AIDS starring Magic Johnson and Arsenio Hall. (I would give my eye teeth if they re-made this with a Jimmy, Conan or Craig Ferguson.....it would be AMAZINGGGG!!!!!!!). For those of you too young to remember the cult of Urkel this is basically like if The Suite Life's Zach and/or Cody rapped about keeping it in their pants-except White was a much, much bigger star.  Here now-some advice that could change a young teenager's life:

I do actually like this little ditty since it doesn't say you can NEVER have sex it only encourages you to wait until you're more mature----like say when you stop wearing flood pants with suspenders.

The other stand out from this special was Sinbad sporting latex instead of his trademark windbreaker.

Truly his second best acting performance after his guest appearance on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Educators of America-this is what we need - more goofy specials on teen celibacy and safe sex starring hilarious comedians  dressed as condoms and child stars poking fun at TON-LOC. (The close up of the retainer-priceless). Maybe it wouldn't keep the teen pregnancy rate down or prevent kids from contracting diseases.....but it would be alot more fun to watch then the dry abstinence only films I was forced to sit through in high school. Damn, I really want to see a Disney kid rapping about keeping it in their pants! I'm looking at you Corey In The House!

Flashback Fridays: Jermaine Stewart Endorses Dry Humping

Okay-so it's not actually Friday-in fact it's not even Saturday, but every week I want to review some gems from our past (read childhood), and Flashback Sundays just doesn't have a catchy ring to it. (What can I say, I'm a sucker for alliteration).

Anyway in keeping with my previous post of The Kids In The Hall's sassy  I Won't Spread For No Roses I thought I'd revisit Jermaine Stewart's '88 abstinence anthem 'We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off' . (It took me forever to find it via YouTube because for some reason I thought it was sung by El DeBarge). Now while Stewart may not be the father of Kristina or the ex-brother in law of Janet -he still has his own charms: hell, he looks like a more successful Sanjaya.

 The big controversy of the day was whether or not  this song was about dry humping. Personally I think it's just a sweet-and super lame-diddy encouraging teenagers to wait before having full blown intercourse. However -even if it is about full clothed grinding - after listening to Chris Brown sing he was "gonna leave it in all night"on SNL -a little dry humpy humpy seems downright romantic. (Seriously Brown, I'm no expert but once you and your lady friend both punch the 'O' card it's time to pull out and do the required amount of cuddling).

That's it for this...uh...Friday. Wait till you see what I have for you next week, one word :Urkel.

You Are Not A Princess-You Are A Dips&^t!

      American woman have a problem-It's called the 'Princess Complex'. Seriously, if I see one more grown-ass woman talking about wanting to feel like a princess, meet her prince, be treated like a princess, or look like a princess on her wedding day I am going to punch someone in the taint. (Preferably the woman with Princess Complex). Someone needs to remind these women there is no monarchy in America-so the only way to actually be a princess is to marry foreign royalty, and off the top of my head the only two living Americans I can think of who did that were Queen Noor and Olivia Wilde. (In Wilde's case it's mostly just a title-but Noor actually had to work her butt off as a diplomat.That's right kids, being a royal is actually a job-shocker!). Why anyone would want to be an actual Princess is beyond me since historically they've been nothing more than marriage pawns, and the most famous Modern Princess of our time lived a very unhappy life and a tragic death. I understand why little girls to pretend to be princess,(PersonallyI preferred playing a Queen because I got to boss around knights and hire them out to kill dragons),but as a grown up you need to give up play time and stop wearing chintzy tiaras, unless it's Halloween.  It's the same if you pretended to be a superhero as a child- you should only don a cape for the aforementioned holiday or Comic-con.

What bothers me most about the 'Princess Wedding' is it puts the emphasis on the actual event whether than the marriage itself. No wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high-women all over the country are so intent on having their perfect fairy-tale day they forget they're entering into a life long commitment with someone. Last time I checked it took two people to get married, yet if you watch any of the television shows about marriage; Say Yes To The Dress, Four Weddings, Bridezillas, etc.........you learn the grooms are generally not that important- it's the bride's party and she'll do what she wants.

Of course there's still a part of the 'Princess Complex' that relies heavily on the man. After all if you're a spoiled Daddy's girl-as many so-called Princesses are-you're going to be looking for a man to keep you either in high style, (last time I checked these women were actually called 'Gold Diggers' but whatever), or you're looking for a man with no faults because apparently you are perfect and need a mate who matches you in awesomeness. Disney has routinely been criticized for perpetuating the 'a perfect prince will come and save me' mindset to which I call bulls8*t--and not just because I'm mad about the mouse. If you look at all the Disney Princes and/or Disney Princesses' love interests you'll see complicated young men with problems of their own. They may be handsome, brave and lovable but they're all packing some serious baggage. In fact, as the Disney heroines have become more interesting and feministastic-the men have become more in need of saving. However even the early princes-like Phillip who's generally considered the bravest and handsomest of all- are weirder than we realized when we watched the film as children. This guy spyed on Aurora playing with her woodland friends before he even introduced himself. Edward Cullen anyone? Here for you now, are some of the faults and issues of our charming Princes:

Prince Charming-Creeper,probably a necrophiliac
Prince Phillip-Also a Creeper
Prince Charming 2-BORING and I'm guessing a foot fetishist.
Prince Eric- Bad swimmer, easily hypnotized.
Beast-What a temper!, and better looking as a beast than a human.(Seriously what is up with those botox lips?)
Aladdin-Uh...street rat. You just know that poor kid had to do some nasty things for money. Remember the 'Still I think he's rather tastey' lady-yep-he hit it.
Simba-He's Hamlet, 'Nuff said
John Smith-The real John Smith was a blowhard, and this John Smith was voiced by Mel Gibson so.....let's just say there's a reason she married John Rolfe.
Hercules-Sweet........but dumb.
Tarzan-Communication skills and table manners need some work.
Prince Naveen-Just a tad vain. Also-not the best work ethic.
Flynn Rider-Felon

The main instigator of the 'Princess Complex' are  actually the parents of those of us in Generations Y and Z. Remember those little girls whose mommy and daddy gave them everything they wanted-well now their parents are giving the 100,000 dollar plus weddings-or-dare I say it, 'Sweet Sixteen' Parties. The 'Sweet Sixteen' parties are the worst because it's like a wedding sans groom making it the ultimate in narcissism. Even worse this seems like a purely American phenomenon, (I'm not counting La Quinceanera as a similar event since it's a cultural rite of passage), which makes us look even more like spoiled bastards to our friends abroad. Let's check out  how our British cousins at BBC Four felt about MTV's Sweet Sixteen.

Guess what-he's right. How frightening is it that this is the kind of programming we're sending to foreign countries to represent America. (When I was in Canada-it seemed like the only thing on TV was another princesstastic MTV reality show: The Hills-and this was network television-not cable).

The show Sweet Sixteen is no longer a cultural phenomenon- in fact I don't even think new episodes are being filmed, but that doesn't mean ridiculously lavish 'Sweet Sixteen' parties aren't still happening. Check out this clip from a  Say Yes To The Dress episode devoted exclusively to  Sweet Sixteen clients.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpWL1HevBgk&playnext=1&list=PL28CAC7C8E81F7DEB

Now lest you thing things have gotten better TLC is bringing us a new show that was surely greenlit by Satan. It's called Outrageous Kid Parties-and it will undoubtedly give of us a whole new generation of self-entitled brats. I would like to remind you that this is a channel that is allegedly dedicated to "Family, Home, Style, and Cooking". Apparently the Family shows are lessons in how not to parent.