Why Girls Hate Comics...or....Ultimate Fantastic Four loses Another Fan (It's Me!)

Classic Jack and Stan Reed and Sue Richards are appalled at the events taking place in Marvels' Ultimate universe.

Normally my blog is about gender or sex issues but today I decided to go in a different direction since I hadn't written anything for awhile. As a nerd it was inevitable that I would get around to writing about something comic book related eventually. I know most of my readers, (who aren't offical followers what the hell guys?! Help a girl out!), are not comic book readers. Sorry guys-but you might want to skim the article anyway because it may give you insight into why super-hero comic sales are flagging when films starring spandex crusaders are breaking box office records around the world.

I have a love/hate relationship with super-hero comics-but not for the reason you may think. Tons of female bloggers will waste their time complaning that comic books feature heroines with perfect unrealistic bodies and that they feature sadistic violence towards women. Yeah-I could care less about these women they are truly the soul sisters to the women who hate Barbie. Male heroes have incredibly unrealistic bodies too-they range from physically perfect movie star to insanely big ala Arnold in Pumping Iron. As for bondage and violence....they're crime fighters! Both male and female heroes are constantly engaging in fights and getting tied up by villians. One day I plan to write a whole blog on how cape comics are unfairly sterotyped as promoting violence towards women and body dismorphia-but not today.

Instead I'm going to talk about why I will stop reading a comic book series I had been enjoying. Oddly enough it's the same reason my mother stopped watching Grey's Anatomy after the first season..............character inconsistancy!!!!! Yep, just like late night soaps(which is a suprisingly similar medium) superhero comics-which change writers often-suffer from characters who abrubtly behave differntly than they did in earlier issues;almost as if they had a personlity transplant. When a comic book company is feeling particularly stupid.....or desperate...... they will often pull a giant stunt like a death, an engagement, or.........a new coupling that you just didn't see coming!

It is the latter two that I am currently pissed about. For those of you unfamiliar with comics let me give you a brief history lesson. Marvel Comics (Spider-man, Iron man, Thor, X-men,etc), has multiple parellel universes where there stories take place. Most comics take place in the 616 universe, (or 'real Marvel universe' as some fans call it). The 616 universe is the one created by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and a few other gifted creators in the 60s. (With a few characters revived from the Golden Age). Since the 616 Marvel Universe gotten into comics. In fact you may have to check the old Wiki several times just to learn who recurring characters are and what past events your protagoists are referring to. Now to get a younger (read teen), audience interested in their books Marvel created the Ultimateverse, where orgins and characters were given hip new spins and the stories started at the heroes' orgin stories. (Most of the plot arcs in the Ultimateverse were ones from 616's past but ...ya know....cooler).

I am a Fantastic Four nut, so the one Ultimate book I truly took a liking too was, of course, Ultimate Fantastic Four. You know the  basic orgin story from the movie and UFF was very similar except all the FF were young adults, and it was a transporter accident-not cosmic rays from space that gave them their powers. Plus everyone except Ben (The Thing) was a student at a think-tank run by Johnny and Susan Storm's father. (Ben was Reed's best friend visiting before he went overseas with the army). So far so good until UFF pulled a Grey's on me. They changed everyone's personality and had Sue and Ben get engaged. (What was the hated couple on Grey's called ? Grizzy?...Well this is definatly the Grizzy of the comics world). If Ultimate Sue Storm was Katherine Heigal she'd quit the book.

For those of you not in the know-and congratulations on having a real hobbie- Reed Richards(Mr.Fantastic) and Susan Storm-Richards (The Invisible Woman) are almost certainly the longest married superhero couple in comics. They were married in the 60s early in their run and unlike most married superheroes have stayed together-no divorce-and neither one of them died.  (Sorry kids, MJ and Spidey........Kaput).

For your enjoyment here's a few choice 616 Reed and Sue moments:

Adorable.......yes!

And what did you get for your anniversery? Sue got ...a freakin' universe she can wear on her finger!

A romantic vacation to a moon.....yes please!

And the sex is good! Reed Richards- new spokesperson for pills that give your dong super-stretchy powers? That's invention you should get on mister smartest man in the world.
The 616 Richards are also rare in the annals of superhero history because they are parents. Their son Franklin-who was perpetually four for ,like, forever-will grow up to be the most powerful mutant in the world and most likely father a supervillian with the daughter of Jean Grey and Cyclops- as he has done in other Marvel Universes. Their daughter Valeria is no less impressive-at three she has surpassed her father as the smartest person in the world.

Franklin and Val chilling with Uncle Johnny and honary Uncle Ben, all blissfully unaware that Turd Ben in an alternate universe will get with their mom. Apparently there will be no adorable-freak of nature Richards children in the Ultimateverse.

Why do I bring this up? Because what makes The Fantastic Four special is that it is a comic book about a family-------not just the 616 books but the Ultimate books as well. Originally in the first ever Fantastic Four comic there was a love triangle between Reed Sue and Ben.(Albeit a one sided one since Sue was clearly interested,and already engaged, to Reed). The love triangle probably came from the large amounts of  Romance Comics co-creator Jack Kirby worked on in the fifties. (Kirby and his then partner Joe Simon were the creators of  the whole genre of extremely popular Romance Comics). Luckily Jack and Stan were savy enough to realize you can't have a comic book about a family when the only character who's not actually related to his other teamates is trying to get in the pants of his best friend's girl. The Ben wanting Sue plot was dropped by............Issue 2! Say what you will about Jack and Stan but together they knew what worked-which is why they're the creators of some of the best and most iconic superheroes of all time. Now it's true Ultimate Reed and Sue are not married, (though Reed was getting ready to propose before a bunch of s^&t happened), but they still functioned as a family unit with Reed and Sue being the anchor of that unit. After all, Reed and Sue are Marvel's classic iconic couple for a reason---they work. The UBen Sue thing may be interesting for some, *cough* stupid, readers for awhile since it's a novelty but the characters don't work as lovers and the 'romance' has made a fun book feel....sleazy.

Now if you're still reading-I'm going to present you with the letter I wrote today. On a personal note I'm grieving over the death of my uncle who died last week and it seemed liked a good idea to take my anger out on Marvel-which is why the letter may seem  particularly virulent. Still, I would be angry regardless, and I'm a sarcastic bitch so.......the email would probably have been really nasty anyway.


Here folks is the hopefully scathing letter I sent to the Ultimate Marvel office:



Once upon a time I loved Ultimate Fantastic Four -true I  was behind on my issues but I was ordering the compilations on Amazon like a mad woman to catch up since I enjoyed the book so much. I say enjoyed because that was BEFORE the dumb ass shenanigans of Ultimatum and Ultimatum Doom. Yes, I am yet another person upset by the Ben Sue engagement. Why you ask? Well let's count the reasons true believers:

1. Sue used to be the strongest most interesting female character in the Ultimateverse-this is just a tad important to me because as I mentioned earlier ----I am female.Then her head got cut off and put in a refrigerator---er---so to speak. After she broke up with Reed she had a special cuddle session with Namor, (okay, I would make out with Namor so I understood that), and then rebounded directly into the arms of Ben.

Guess what-Sue's starting to look like either a slut--or the kind of girl with such low self esteem she HAS to be in a relationship. The recent UFF story lines are a prime example of why few women read comics-what woman wants to read a series where their heroine is strong in one book and then becomes an "I need a man" basket case in the next. If I wanted to see those kinds of characters I'd watch a Reese Weatherspoon movie. Seriously if you guys were going for inconsistent writing and character development congratulations you're 'Winning!'

For some reason UJohnny is OK with this, but everyone else is acting like a character from another book so why should he be consistant? Hey you know what would be fun---let's make Johnny gay even though there's been no evidence so far to suggest he's attracted to men! Maybe he and UReed could hook up----that would make so much sense!

2. Maybe there were signs Ben was attracted to Sue but there was never any indication Sue loved anyone but Reed. (Again while she was physically attracted to Namor she was in love with Reed). It was an adorable relationship and incredibly fun to see how Reed and Sue interacted when they were the same age and not 7 to 15 years apart.

UReed and Sue in happier times, yeah, it really looks like she only liked Reed for the qualities he got from hanging with Ben. Seriously though :how cute are they?----- Marvel why did you have to go and F*5king ruin this!

You may not be able to read the panels-but you can tell from the art that Ben does not look very upset for someone who's 'true love' is kissing his best friend. In fact he's making a joke about Reed's elastitongue stretching. Way to go with continuity guys!

 Having Sue PROPOSE to Ben makes her seem weak.( 'Oh I'm so upset---will you marry and take care of me you big strong man!')

Also the fact that she's suddenly into Ben now that he's human looking-------that makes her seem shallow. Remember she was never attracted to him when he was The Thing. Guess what, her sudden 'love' for him seems fake. If they had something real there would have been sparks when he was a giant orange rock.

Men Down: Both Reed and Ben are knocked out- yet who does she run to----Reed. If she was truly in love with The Thing wouldn't she have run to him first. Note: This page was after Reed and Sue broke up and the issue after she had sexy time with Namor. (Probably why he looks so displeased that she's caressing Reed).

3. What have you done to UReed? Do the Ultimate writers suddenly hate him? Is this a case of nerds in refrigerators? (Call DC and get Gail Simone on the phone Stat!) He used to be the protagonist of the series-which as the UFF leader made sense. Now UBen's the protagonist and while I love Ben, (ur, used to love Ben), switching protagonists is bad writing. More to the point why is UBen now the Gary Stu of the Ultimateverse? Yep-I said Gary STU-I went there. Who wrote this book, Dan Brown? Gee-I can't wait until Bobby becomes the main character in Ultimate Spider-Man. Can he get engaged to M.J. or Gwen, or both? That would be soooooo awesome and make tons of sense.

4. Ultimate Ben and Reed's relationship was one of the sweetest bromances in comics. Having UBen take up with USue right after a troubled UReed is clearly having a mental breakdown makes him look like world's biggest jackass; especially since he knew how devastated Reed was after the break-up.

Apparently he's no longer interested in trying to help his best friend......at least not when there's invisible poon to be had. Apparently bros before her-os no longer holds any weight with UBen.........A*%hole.

5. Last but not least whether UBen and Sue get to the alter or not this is clearly a stunt to save a dying line of books........ and you guys know it. I stopped reading current DC comics years ago because I was soooooo tired of all the insane story lines that ruined every good plot arc that came before it. Instead books seemed designed to create blog and chat buzz whether than tell a good story. Don't think this tactic is working on your part. It's hard to find much on the Internet about the UFF engagement- I think, no I know, this is because it is the most hated storyline since Gwen Stacey and Norman Osborne's love children. All my comic bros. hate it-don't want to talk about. (Please, please, please, can USue be a Skrull? It's lame but it's better than the drivel in Doom Ultimatum).  I am not going to be buying Ultimate books to see how this turns out-my friends are not going to buy Ultimate books to see how this turns out-in fact I'm going to sell all my UFF compilations at Half Price book store and buy new books that did not invalidate every relationship I cared about in their universe. (I did think about burning them in protest but that seems a little much-even for me). Now- if you retcon this sh*t, and sh*t it is.....you'll once again have my patronage. (Maybe USue opens the shower curtain and finds UReed there..he's not crazy or dead....it was all a dream!)

Reed? Why do you look like J.R.?

Truthfully if I wasn't so enjoying Hickman's FF and Slot's run on Amazing Spider-Man I would boycott Marvel all together. I just can't take all this stupid crap changing and ruining the characters I love. True-maybe I am a little too invested in the FF in any universe-----but as a company THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. Caring about characters and loving story lines-that gets you readers--which gets you business! Sadly I'm one reader you've lost-and maybe you don't care but I feel pretty crappy about it. We're breaking up UltimateMarvel-it's not me but it's definitely you.


Thanks for listening to my rant. I apologize for any typos or spelling errors but ya know....I'm upset. And lastly-it's a cheap shot-----but Jack would be ashamed of you.

Jack and Stan get all emotional at Reed and Sue's wedding. Cheap shot or Jack Kirby would hate the new UFF romance........and Ben Grimm was Jack Kirby's fictional alter ego!

----Caitlyn

Former UFF fan

Okay, your lesson for today kids-comic books can jump the shark the same way TV shows do, andUFF has definatly jumped the shark. Once in awhile I question my love of comics because a title I enjoy frustrates me to no end when it starts pulling stupid s*^t. Women love their stories-and when a writer or coperation screws up your characters you no longer want to spend time with those people-in that imaginary world- any more. That folks is the real reason girls can't get into super-hero comic books-the stories and characters are so inconsistant it makes Days of Our Lives look like great art. Give a girl a break DC and Marvel-stop fucking around and give your readers the stories they deserve. If you don't then film and television may be the only medium left for costumed heroes.

I wanna cry too 'Good' Ben. Maybe I need to get another hobbie......knitting anyone?